Falling in Love - with India

With just a bit over a month away from the long-awaited and dreamt-about, in-detail-imagined and anxiously-anticipated departure for India as a member of the medical volunteering team, I am compelled to list in one place all that I have been reading, viewing, ingesting, googling, pondering and imagining in order to make sure that my time in India counts - for the sake of the people I will be serving and for the sake of my own very sheltered yet ridiculously happy life.

Mowgli - my first crush (Walt Disney animation) 

It is a funny thing to remember my first crush. He was small and skinny and wore only an orange langot - a loincloth. I was completely smitten by him although I believe he was likely twice my age at the time. He hung out with a bear and a black panther, elephants and monkeys. It is indeed Mowgli I can thank for my earliest fascination with India, and the enchantment with the idea of the human and animal worlds living in harmony. Add a catchy tune from Disney's The Jungle Book based on Rudyard Kipling's book and I happily committed to a tomboy childhood.

Books have always been my favourite way of getting to know places. Although I am no literary critic, the following are the books that got me hooked on India, its many faces, that one giant beating heart and one calm and friendly demeanour that greets you with "Namaste".

Books:

1. The White Tiger: A Novel - Aravind Adiga

Otherwise a slow reader, feeling as if the Bangalore driver had been writing directly to me, I read it over two nights, my heart pounding, my sense of self, smell and hope being put through the ringer.

2. Shantaram - David Gregory Thomas
The best part of this epic novel was having my phone (and car) read it to me. I downloaded it from Audible - not only did 900+ pages simply fly by, but the accents! Oh, the accents were such a delight: Australian, Afghan, Nigerian, French, Persian and of course Prabhakar's Indian. For a while I added the "baba" after my family's names (driving them crazy) in the style of the novel. Never have I enjoyed being stuck in rush hour traffic so much!  

3. Q & A  (Slumdog Millionaire) - Vikas Swarup
If you have seen the movie which became a worldwide blockbuster, you will LOVE the book even more - Mr.Swarup's first literary accomplishment! 

4. Midnight's Children - Salman Rushdie
A long, fascinating yet convoluted story about a man who had been "mysteriously handcuffed to history" and "what's his name" - God.

5. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
Richard Parker. So worth reading even if only to find out about who he is. 

6. Siddhartha - Hermann Hesse
I read Siddhartha for the first time when I was 13. My friend Dubravka had it in her sea-side condo. I was bored and confused. Yet intrigued. Intrigued enough to pick it up again 30 years later and understand it. Understand it and love it.

I have always been a movie buff. And although a fun night of going to the cinema for a movie opening got majorly derailed with the arrival of my little people, the me of my mid-forties guiltily admits to loving my time alone, late at night while everyone's sleeping, with the iPad and earphones in bed (everything opposite of the wise advice about how not to disturb your sleep!). It's simply a gift from me to me!

Movies:

1. Gandhi
I saw this movie in Belgrade's cinema "Kozara" when it debuted in 1982. It was 3.5 h long and there was an intermission while they changed the reel. I was profoundly moved by the true account of this man's great life and became a life-long fan of actor Ben Kingsley. I just watched it again - it is a masterpiece and a must-see.  


2. Deepa Mehta Trilogy: Fire - Earth - Water 
All three are breathtaking. "Water" is my favourite - whether because it is set in mystical Varanasi or because - to the feminist that I am - it sheds light in a powerful way on the deep-rooted custom that women can be and should be thrown away.

3. Monsoon Wedding
Light, funny and very Bollywood take on the importance of family in India and the tradition of the arranged marriage. After witnessing some amazing real-life matches, I am - interestingly enough - not against it!

4. Passage to India
Pretty epic and not only for the mid eighties - it is a great cinematic glimpse into the British colonial India and why it really needed to end.

5. Lagaan: Once Upon a Time in India
I come from a place where soccer (fudbal) is "the most important secondary thing in the life". Apparently, Serbians got it all wrong - it's cricket!

6. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
To make it up to the Brits for being escorted out of India, there comes a cute movie that made me smile during the in-flight presentation. Although sequels are seldom worth it, the same goes for the The Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel (now playing on Air Canada flights).

They say "Love goes through the stomach" so here is the section that needs no intro. I am a foodie. Will go a long way to source the authentic spices and ingredients cooking up a storm at home or track down the ethnic take-out spot in town where the women in saris line up to shop.

Food:

1. Punjabi Chicken in Thick Gravy - Cilantro for breakfast? Not a problem!
2. Masala Chai - Indian spiced tea - it is the book Shantaram, that convinced the low-carb moi to drink this delicious sweet tea!

 Recipe at thebackpackman.wordpress.com

3. Chana Masala - Savoury chickpea dish - Married to an Israeli, it's no secret we eat hummus with each meal. So this was an easy yet spicy upgrade!
4. Samosa - Favourite on the go - I know it's deep fried, dammit! It could be baked, in theory. 
5. Palak Paneer - Fresh spinach with cheese - I actually crave this, right now. Googling Naples Indian take out... brb
6. Gulab jamun - Cardamom, saffron and rose water delight - I salivate even while pronouncing it out loud! Try it! It's also a great threat for my four year old: "When I catch you I'm gonna make Gulab jamun out of you!" - then he giggles uncontrollably, which is even sweeter!

Weather:

I added New Delhi to my weather app (and world clock to start planning for the 9.5h time difference), back on March 5th, when I heard the news I had been selected as the Canadian volunteer for the "Connecting Hearts Abroad" mission. It is a part of my daily routine and something tells me I won't be able to ever delete it from my list. Thankfully the monsoon did arrive, ending one of the worst heat waves in history, hitting the frail and the homeless by the thousands. With "dust", "haze" and "smoke" as common weather descriptors and photos of melting Delhi streets all over the internet, this former West Nile Virus sufferer is often asked: "How are you going to survive the heat/humidity/mosquitos/pollution?"
First - I have no idea. Second - just the same way the patients I'll serve will. Thanks Dr.Saldanha for the first round of my travel vaccines - I haven't slept on my left shoulder for a week! Looking forward to the part two, not!

Video: 

Not in love yet?! Take a look at my favourite YouTube clip: Baby bath time in India
I'm a mother of three and although I was a bit shocked the first time I saw it, I now tend to envy both the moms and the babies. It is a beautiful and social time for the moms - aren't we all a bit lost those first days of motherhood - all isolated in our near sterile surroundings - intimidated by the little body parts we need to clean, all the while making sure not to squish or drown them? Isn't the full body baby massage beneficial for circulation, release of gas and 'skin-on-skin' soothing effect? I would have loved to try this!

Instagram:

Do follow muradosmann - his mesmerizing and breathtaking photos of India - a part of his #followmeto travel series - will get you to travel (smart phone in hand) and see the world even while lining up at the grocery store behind that ultimate queen of coupon-ing - and you won't mind!

Best news story of 2015: 

The best 244-words-long article giving me hope young women in India are done with tolerating crap. Game over!

Indian Bride walks out on the groom for failed math question

Blogs about India:

- women travelling alone

- Lathmar Holi - a day when women beat men?

- photo blog of a travelling woman

- hard to read - India's rape case that shocked the world

- Old Delhi food photo blog

Body: 

I have been a hot yoga devotee for the last few years: twice a week, my husband and I have a "date night" on the mat -- 75 min of warrior twos, downward dogs and dripping sweats. Sleep like babies afterwards!

Although I couldn't have been any more smitten in the sweet anticipation of my first trip to India, what's yet to be accomplished between now and me boarding a 17h long flight is a full Bollywood Dance Cardio workout, that neck movement, the hips, the teasing jerky moves - it's on my must do list!

Great read while pondering legacy

Volunteering:

With all the sights and flavours and colours it is easy to get lost and forget what's my mission. This time around my mission is to be of service. My mission is to extend my heart, to deepen my humility, to bring my best skill, to spread my enthusiasm. My hope is to become a friend and a family and to instantly cease being a stranger. To upgrade from a fellow traveller to a life-long companion. To be that one of the 7+ billion, that knows that each act of kindness both matters and multiplies.

My legacy?

Today I would be only guessing what my true legacy after this mission will be. Something tells me that once I land, fully take in the new surroundings, visit the local market and adorn myself in the traditional kurti (long blouse) and dupatta (Indian scarf) and meet my new family, the clarity will start sinking in and I will know what's next. For now, inspired by a volunteer in Guatemala, I've collected about 30 pairs of used prescription glasses and will be bringing them with me. Apparently, what keeps sitting unused in many drawers (changed Rx or post LASIK) equals life and livelihood in the poverty-stricken parts of the world. I know that's just the beginning!

I'm ending this heart-fluttering-in-anticipation report with the poem, that has been my favourite for many years. It only happens to be written by an Indian poet - the same one that got me to fall in love with Mowgli. Namaste!

"If "  by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too:

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,

Or being hated don't give way to hating,

And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;

If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same:.

If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings,

And never breathe a word about your loss:

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much:

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,

And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

It's "Oh, Canada!" not "Ouch, Canada!"

July 1st is a big deal to me.

Yes, I certainly know how to roll my eyeballs while checking the weather app before clutching my morning coffee mug and pressing ON on the blue-light lamp that wonderfully dispels my Seasonal Affective Disorder nearly half the mornings of the year when a deep freeze decides to couple with gloomy grey clouds. But really, I do love living in Canada.

I vividly remember the day when the thought of “leaving one day” nested into my conscious, never to leave again. I was 16 and in Grade 10 in one of Belgrade's elite high-schools. The teacher for our last period called in sick and the school dismissed us ahead of schedule for not having a substitute teacher. A sunny spring day at noon meant rushing home, kicking off my shoes, blasting the stereo and enjoying our two-bedroom condo all to myself until the rest of my family started gathering in the early afternoon. WOO-HOO! The Serbian working hours of 7 AM - 3 PM worked for everyone other than moody teenagers in search of some privacy. At 3:30 PM when my parents arrived from work we would prepare a family lunch, the biggest meal of the day. Since working for many years in the field of diabetes, I have come to believe that having the biggest meal of the day so early played a big part in Serbia’s being a lean and healthy nation, superior in many sports. The day was also young for doing homework and chores but also socializing; we were beautifully oblivious to which day of the week it was – TGIF did not exist.  The social life went on regardless of how many school/work days were left in the week, for both kids and adults.

I flew up 2-3 stairs at once, rushing home to my uninterrupted “me time” when I heard someone call my name. Ignoring this, I continued climbing.  Who could be there to call me? My neighbourhood friends were all still in school and my sister in university. 

“Marina!” - I heard it again!

Annoyed to no end, I noticed my father waving at me, gesturing for me to come closer. He was standing in front of the grocery store.

Our "big deal" day in 2002

He was beaming and said with relief:  “Excellent timing!”  - “Sine (Serbian fathers tend to endearingly call their daughters “Son”), stand here in this line, so we can hold the spot - I will just run home to get the tickets. The truck is on its way!”  he half-whispered excitedly. A friend of our neighbour’s, the grocery store clerk, had tipped him off to the imminent arrival of a flour truck so he had left his work early. 80kg bags would be distributed in exchange for ‘flour tickets’ and money this afternoon. My father was a resourceful man, a true provider – just this past month, he had managed to get the maximum allotted amount of both sunflower oil and sugar, cashing in all our tickets. Coupons, tickets and schedules were a normal part of growing up in Serbia. Something was always lacking - electricity, gas, food. Becoming resilient and street-smart, über connected, was mandatory and part of the very fibre of my being long before the takeover by social networks.

I observed that the line-up in front of me was comprised mostly of elderly people and a few moms with young children. People stood and conversed, bending the line so they could all get some relief from the sun under the shade of a tree. Someone brought a tray of Turkish coffee; a few women sipped from the small china cups while they chatted and laughed. A few people read the daily newspaper, Politika, commenting on the crooks that were leading our country.  Two old men played magnetic chess while smoking and enduring the comments and teasing from the onlookers.

Rascal, made in Canada

My father returned, coupons in hand: OK, we are ready. I glanced at my watch. I had been there 35 min. Thirty-five minutes I will never get back. Arghhh! But I was a polite kid. So I stayed with my father waiting. 80kg bag of flour is not something that could easily be carried upstairs. Not with his health. I chatted with our neighbours. Played with a few babies, making them giggle. Made faces at a toddler who was sticking his tongue out at me, hiding behind his mother’s skirt. This made him shy. Then much bolder and obnoxious, the little rascal! 

A sudden commotion announced the arrival of the truck at the bottom of our street. With clinks and clanks, the china was put away. The newspapers folded. The chess crew, too engrossed in the crucial next move, kept playing, oblivious to the anticipated arrival of the white cargo. Starting tonight, smells of rising yeast and homemade breads, simple vanilla cookies, apple pies, cheese bourekas, croissants and crepes, would fill the kitchens of the neighbourhood of Konjarnik for the next several weeks. Plates with treats covered with white starched kitchen towels would travel from floor to floor, from door to door, treating each other with the taste of the latest recipe. I sometimes forget how amazing it was when we knew ALL of our neighbours, sharing our lives with them.

The line-up was moving up slowly, with 3-4 people in each row, fumbling through their pockets and wallets, then each dragging a giant brown paper sack, trying to awkwardly hug it and lift it to one arm. In one of many attempts, one bag slid off a shoulder and splattered in the middle of the street. A cloud of white powder engulfed the man who stood there helplessly as his newly-acquired treasure literally disappeared into thin air. Then a few people from the side of the road came, lifted it all up and helped the poor man to his home, a line of flour marking their trail.

The person in front of us had a 20-something year old son, so he effortlessly lifted the bag as his mother was paying.

My father and I moved up one step as soon as they left.

“That’s it for today!” - “We should have a shipment sometimes next week or so - if the government approves opening the federal reserve.”

The sheer horror of understanding that all of this, ALL of these 97 minutes of standing and waiting were for nothing, started pounding in my brain.  A few swear words and loud grumbles chimed in behind us. I actually didn't even like bread - I couldn't have cared less for the 80kg of stupid flour not coming home with us. But I felt used and stupid and cheated out of my fun few hours of freedom. I wanted my ME time, dammit!

Then I looked at my father. He hadn’t been one of the men who swore or grumbled. The look of utter defeat lasted for only a moment - then he put his hand on my shoulder and said - “Let’s go home, Sine. I know who to call to find out exactly where the truck will be next week.”

There is a group of social media users I call ‘awfulizers’. Yes, they are friends or acquaintances, and they are nice folks, but they tend to announce when things do not go in the desired direction. A lot. With the 2015 Pan Am games just debuting in Toronto this summer, these are the people already criticizing the temporary HOV lanes on the GTA highways. We find out about the atrocity of every TTC and GO train delay. And the endless injustices done by the parking service.

Canada flag breakfast crepes

I have days too, I admit, when I would rather be driving down Coconut Rd and not Confederation Parkway. Because nothing beats the breeze of Florida life!

But we do have it good. We have it so good. In Canada, we all have it so good, we should feel very privileged and very chosen. And perhaps just today we could also feel greatful and festive. In a few hours, I will do a little mini ritual of the past 16 years - throw some steaks and veggies on the b-b-q, pop a cold beer open, wink and whisper to myself: I AM CANADIAN! Happy Canada Day! Živeli! Cheers!

Good Dad, Bad Dad, No Dad

The best thing my father ever did for me wasn't teaching me how to swim.

One summer in Greece when I was five, on a Papalimani Beach - the name even contains the root for "father" - my dad threw me off a dock and straight into water that was well above my head. The first thing I remember was the sea water burning my nostrils. The second, that as soon as my head bobbed up, I began raging accusations at him including the epic: "You crazy man, you tried to drown your very own child!" Our party burst into laughter. My tata (dad) told and retold this as a joke for many years. But by the time I ended my furious rant, I was a swimmer.

My father, sister and I, Belgrade 1969

Father's Day did not exist in Belgrade of my childhood. Dads I knew: my tata, my amazing uncle Zoran - a second father to me who I still lovingly call Koka, my friends' dads and our neighbours were a rarely-appreciated bunch - at least publicly. They went to work, they fixed our toys, bikes and each other's cars, they mastered the art of making "pljeskavica" (famous Serbian burger) on a charcoal barbecue. They stood up to a bully, no matter whose child was being hurt. They watched soccer, dividing themselves between being the die-hard fans of either Red Star or Partizan and cursing the missed opportunities to score a goal, all the while remaining good friends. And they would get up at wee hours, coats over their PJs to come fetch us from a party. My sister knew if she were to run downstairs, all flushed from dancing and sweetly beg: "Tajkane, it's now the best part, could you come back in, say, an hour and a half?"  that he would.

In all of my childhood I only remember one bad dad. There was a boy in my class who was often getting into fights. He was fearless and fast and dangerous. He lived with his single father who would show up to a parent-teacher meeting in an un-ironed shirt, dark wrinkly circles around his eyes. He smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. He would listen to the teachers’ concerns over his son's violent behaviour with only a silent nod, gaze hidden under puffy eyelids, far too calm for the list of offences. Then, my classmate would show up in school the next day with bruises. Before the day ended, he was in yet another school fight covering the home-made bruises with more honourable ones he earned while deliberately picking on a much older and stronger opponent. Years later we learned that his mother had barely escaped getting killed after one of the countless violent domestic disputes. Women's shelters were unknown. She fled to Germany, working as a gastarbeiter stealing moments to see her son while we were on overnight school-trips, twice a year.

This was my definition of a bad father. He was an addicted, sick man. It sounded like he had an excuse. Affliction comes conveniently to bad dads.

Throughout my life I have met many remarkable fathers. True heroes. The father who promptly RSVPs to his twins' tea parties. And those ones sporting glitter on their toe nails. The one who flew to the other side of the continent as fast as he could to watch over his baby girl while the socialite mom – whose turn for custody it was - was drunk, stoned and unaware that a 2-year-old can't survive if left alone at the poolside. The father whose yearly tradition was to take his kids camping in Algonquin Park in the middle of January, teaching them how to love, protect and befriend nature at -40 C. The father who welds half a year in the cold Canadian North and the rest of the time makes the best chocolate chip cookies in the world, showering his family with care and affection. And two fathers, a dad and a tata, who are masterfully raising their son with abundant love, teaching him the very essence of freedom. A dad, the soccer coach, instilling army-like discipline and precision in second graders, only to break all of his own rules as he ran victoriously across a field in East York, grin visible from the moon - with his step-son hoisted triumphantly high above his head in one arm, after the (accidentally) scored goal! Step-father? No way! Only a real father can be this amazing!

For the last several years I've been basking in the feeling of finally having back-to-back-to-back perfect Father's Days. School-made gifts I harbour for days at a time, while two sets of little feet keep anxiously stomping around them, revealing my hiding place well in advance of the Sunday morning's pancake breakfast. And the cheerful screams of "Aba, Aba!" fighting for my husband's attention as we map out the fun-filled day. This year, it was our first piano recital in a downtown Toronto gallery that our amazing teacher Viktoria holds deliberately on Father's Day. All throughout the audience I observed the beaming, glowing fathers with glint in their eyes who don't even attempt to hide how deeply moved they are by their offspring's performance, my man among them. So sexy!

But the duality of life wouldn't be complete without the bad dads, right? 

The decorated police officer who after verbally abusing mom in front of their child at the end of his weekend asks: What are you going to do? Call the police? - I am the police!

And the top-notch lawyer who sinks himself into his work during a 90-hour work week only to sink into his phone for the remainder of any possible family time.

Or the oil business white-collar executive who on Father's Day writes e-mails to the son he's never met in an attempt to weasel out of paying adequate child support yet one more time.

What "bad dads" don't understand is that kids are resilient. Their kids will grow up whether they abuse or blackmail or ignore or weasel out. They will actually be better for knowing who they don't want to be when they grow up. What will become clear one day, maybe only on his deathbed, is that despite the fact that he might have been a decent father to a dozen other kids, it is all worthless if he has been a bastard to one. That’s just how it is.

And while I'm at it, a huge bow down to the single mothers doing double duty on Father's Day and every other day. I've been one and I'm in awe of you - those I don't know and those I do and am privileged to serve. One good parent is more than enough! No dad - no damage. Not bad!

The best thing my father ever did for me was to get me a signature. Mr.Popović, a Belgrade lawyer, had the power of signing a document that would forever end a year of my greatest anguish. But he refused - he was too busy. He was leaving on vacation. Cottage-bound. The office is now closed and will re-open in two weeks. Please leave a message. Beep.

I will never know how my dad did this 19 years ago, but somewhere in Serbia's cottage country the two men met. They sat down and had a glass of šljivovica my father brought. Talked about fatherhood and their daughters. And when decency and common sense finally crumbled the arrogant air of a hardened divorce attorney, Mr.Popović looked at my father earnestly and said: "I get it. What happened to your daughter is disgusting. I would have done the same thing for my child. I would gladly draft the final divorce, but this is a cottage. I don't have a computer and printer here". My father silently reached into a bag and pulled out a leather box that stored a Hermes original manual typewriter. Three crisp white sheets were already inserted, sandwiched with deep indigo blue copy paper. Mr.Popović, took a sip of šljivovica and started typing. He finished just after midnight. Pulling the papers out, the old lawyer said - "Damn! I have my stamp with me, but unfortunately no ink pad". Then he looked at my father. The moist purple cushion had already materialized in front of him. 

My father was a humble, quiet man. Although he was proud of us three girls - our mom, my sister and I - he kept his praise private. And he never asked for much back.

The following morning after feeding my baby boy, I joined my parents in the kitchen for our ritual of coffee and conversation before work started at the pharmacy, and they turned into my daycare.

My mom said: Good morning darling. We have news - you divorced yesterday. You can apply for a Canadian visa now. You are free.

Happy Father's Day, Tata. Thank you!

In a beautiful land far, far away... (U svetu postoji jedno carstvo)

There is a beautiful land far far away. It is so far away that most people forget it even exists. 

AE Atelier

Only the oldest of maps show its true location. But almost all the maps have faded or long been lost.

The last explorers who went there say that one needs to go over seven seas...

AE Atelier

And over seven hills.

AE Atelier

Be ready to tackle any weather...

AE Atelier

And face the strangest of nights -

AE Atelier

Dreaming tangled dreams.

AE Atelier

Then take the long and winding road...

AE Atelier

That leads through an enchanted forest...

AE Atelier

All the way until the end of the world.

AE Atelier

There board a magical ship...

AE Atelier

And find an entirely new land...

AE Atelier

And a well-hidden secret bay...

AE Atelier

And only when the moon is full a bright road will appear...

AE Atelier

Leading to the top of the mountain...

AE Atelier

With a lighthouse high at its very top.

Shining a light on a world so magical...

AE Atelier

That in its reflection, one learns what is one of life's greatest treasures:

AE Atelier

F r i e n d s h i p.

The long-lost art of real and true friendship. Where no matter the miles nor the years that separate us, nothing ever changes. We are still the 7-year-old girls inventing games. Making maps. Drawing with chalk and water-colours, charcoal and pastels. Writing notes and letters. Celebrating our birthdays together in the fall when school starts because we both happen to be summer babies. We are still 11 and whispering to each other our most sacred secrets in the school yard. Confiding to one another our first crushes (who just happened to also be best friends!). We shared our hopes and our dreams. We made plans so elaborate we had maps and designs for them and we even knew what our homes and beds and pillows would look like one day. We have never fought. Or compared. Or competed. Or gossiped. Or lied. Simply. Never.

The beautiful land far, far away is the land of true friendship - the one that has almost been lost and forgotten in today's world. Its true essence has faded and been hidden behind the mundane, the meaningless and the materialistic, threatened by the insignificant and insecure. Shadowed by "The Bachelor". Tainted by the Kardashian. Convinced that there is not enough for all of us, so that we have to resort to claws and comparisons and competitions. Or adopt being hurtful or mean or conniving. 

Where in the world is your childhood's bestie? How long has it been since you told her how much she meant to you and how sacred your friendship is? How wealthy do you feel that you still have her in your life to talk future, to talk today, and to giggle while reminiscing the past?

Today, I chatted the whole afternoon with my childhood's bestie, just as we did last week. We live on two different continents. I live in a bustling city. She lives in the picturesque countryside. I have sons. She has a daughter. I am a pharmacist. She is an artist. An artist whose art leaves me speechless. Feeling goosebumps. Feeling inspired. And grateful.

And in awe - because somehow we knew this would be a lifelong friendship almost three decades ago. 1976. Grade 1. Special. Beautiful. And like all true and pure female friendships: it is life-prolonging. Best friends forever!  

I love you Aleksandra Erić!

 Priceless!

Aleksandra's entry in my journal 1978

There's No Place[nta] Like Home!

One of the toughest things I ever had to do as an immigrant-single-mother was become a landlord.

 That skill was required if we were to succeed with an arrangement that my son and I can start living independently in our own house five minutes away from the school as well as steps away from my mom - aka Bajce aka day-care aka before&after school program aka ruthless retired-lawyer tutor aka #all-meals-made-from-scratch. Often in my early days of motherhood that coincided with the early days of heartache over my unexpected divorce I would come to the conclusion that no one really needed a husband, if they only had a mom like mine! 

        The tough part about renting the basement of my mother's house was that for 500$/month it was hard to attract a “high quality tenant”. So, burdened by my own story and wanting to save the world one single mother at the time, the first two tenants have both been single moms, each with a little boy in tow. The first one lasted only for a few months. Her beautiful blue sparkly eyes hid a severe mental illness I couldn't have picked up on the interview. Nor would I have deemed it fair to deny her shelter because of it. After all, I am a healthcare professional - stigma stops with me. Unfortunately, the social services picked it up no problem as they came to collect the 4-year-old that she left home alone while she went running on the streets, shouting and hitting cars with a wooden plank she picked up along the way. Naked. 

The second single mom was a child with a child. I should have known there was no way she could afford to be a responsible parent let alone a tenant - there was a venti Starbucks frappuccino in her hand every day coming home while her boy munched on a mummified McNugget, greasy little fingers clutching the happy meal toy. My hope was that by mere proximity to my mother, who was always a mom to any kid we happened to bring home, she would start knowing better, doing better. Once when she hadn't left her apartment for a few days, mom went down with a hot soup and a freshly-baked banana bread, sure they were both down with flu, only to discover they must have moved out overnight, forgetting to lock the door and pay the last three months rent. She had said she was between jobs. I nodded and said I understood. 

        Thankfully an unemployed history teacher turned Riverdale jail guard working the night-shift soon moved in, causing us to relax for a long stretch of time. We appreciated having this interesting and well-read man sleep all day. He appreciated finding a banana bread on his window sill when he came home at dawn. 

       But just before him, we had another tenant - an old lady, Jun… Oh, do I remember! 

        Back in the nineties, it cost me a fortune (36$!) to place an ad in the newspaper hoping to find a renter. Today there is just about a million free ways to search for the right tenant - pages and pages of rental websites can be found in seconds. Between Airbnb, Craigslist, Kijiji, Tripadvisor and a myriad of local rental hubs, it is easy for one to post an ad - the photos, the hood, the price. Right? 

        Who would you want to live in your space, should your work, say, take you abroad for six months of the year? A period too long to just put sheets over the furniture and too short to contemplate selling. 

        A friend of mine - a smart, honest and meticulous human being - took an analytical approach to advertising her beautiful place downtown. She was looking for a professional (read: pay rent on time) couple (single people can attract all sorts of trouble back home with them), non smokers, no pets (for obvious reasons), no kids (perhaps because she's met my kids?) to leave her sacred space to strangers for six months (in exchange for rent money, of course). As it turned out, she had an amazing choice of couples from which to choose. Guess we always look for something similar to us and something we hold in high regard when making these decisions. That way, although there are no guarantees, at least for the start we feel like we made a safe and reliable choice. So, no wonder, my friend settled, after a series of Skype calls, on a couple that was already on route to the big city: a PhD candidate and his yoga instructor wife. It spelled: responsible. Honest. It radiated: karma-conscious. In subconscious mind: safe. Decent.

       The neighbours said they were quite nice. For the most part - quiet. They kept to themselves. 

       The familiar noise of keys jingling in my friend's hand as she approached her front door six moths later invoked a feeling of anxiety - what would she find walking back into the sacred space she worked so hard for? The recent news-story of an Airbnb condo being trashed beyond recognition as if a rock-band had been holding an after-party and a barfing marathon in it probably sits in minds of anyone who has ever handed the keys of their home to a stranger. 

        So when the door opened and she caught a glimpse of the inside of her home looking familiar and welcoming she relaxed. As agreed, the couple had hired her own cleaning lady to come several times during their stay and clearly they had kept their part of that bargain.

       Kicking off her shoes, she went to her bathroom to refresh. Brand new soap bar. Clean towels. Thank goodness. 

        Nothing feels more like “Home Sweet Home” then stretching out comfortably on your own familiar bed. Your bedding. Your pillow. The scent of your favourite fabric softener. The ultimate comfort we work hard for. 

       She didn’t know whether it was an unfamiliar smell or was it the room’s Feng Shui that seemed odd and all upside-down but for some reason she just couldn't relax. She tossed and turned and became restless as if waiting for some truth to sink in. 

       And what do we do when we feel the pang of unexplained anxiety? We make a trip to the fridge! She was still contemplating which healthy snack would provide both ease and comfort, her hand on the fridge handle when a note under a magnet caught her eye. 

       It was a neighbours’ "welcome to the hood" note. Introducing herself. Listing the best coffee and take out places. Then saying she was excited to meet the little fella soon.

  

       Little fellow? What little fellow? 

Although my friend is a devoted doggy-mom the ad had specified no pets. A vet had recommended that so that her dog would feel like she was home once they returned. 

      Could it be a child? All these calls - they said nothing about bringing a child! 

      As it turned out, the yoga instructor - I’ll call her Rosemary - and her academic hubby were liars. Rosemary was nearly 7 months pregnant when they moved in - easy to disguise on Skype if one wants to. Not so easy to disguise as one waddles down the street and runs into a neighbour. 

      People don’t need to ask landlords for permission to have kids. I get that. How about getting consent to having a home birth? 

     

According to the made-to-sound-cool blog post, one day during the February freeze, my friend’s place became the birthplace of a baby boy. And a make-shift hospital where two midwives practiced their skill, hoping nothing would go wrong. Home births sound great in theory - if nothing goes wrong. Sometimes, however, things do go wrong - a breached baby or a slowed heart beat or a lack of oxygen or inhaled meconium or mom’s blood pressure rising or a placenta previa or a million other things. A famous Serbian ob-gyn got himself in hot water once stating that the woman is closest to death during childbirth, statistics proving him right. In that case your home could become an address on the death certificate?

       My friend’s place was also a training ground - apparently two mid-wives in training attended as well, together with a crowd of family and friends likely holding hands and chanting “Kumbaya” in lieu of an epidural. Or to clear the karma of two parents who conscientiously chose to birth their child in a cloud of deceit - equivalent to having him wrapped into a yoga mat made of lies. How very granola of them!

       I’m an unreasonably-affectionate mother of three. For 823 days of my life I have been an expectant mother, loving my nausea and my swollen feet, nightly leg cramps and even the dreaded finger exams - all this was leading to my motherhood graduation days one January, one July and one October. And with recent public lash-outs on breast-feeding moms or the omnipresent fat-shaming should one not shed all the baby weight in the first few weeks like our Angies, and Jessicas and Giselles effortlessly do - I am extremely protective of new moms. They don’t tell us how hard the first few months of ultimate sleep deprivation are. Or that breast-feeding at the beginning hurts more than the roughest of labour pains. Or that the baby blues is often a cruel downplay on postpartum depression we feel too guilty to admit and get treated. White knuckling those first days and months trying to look as blissful as expected. Reading those damn cards that completely misrepresent the chaos we are trying to get the hold of (Hallmark and I have never been on good terms). No one tells us that it sometimes takes years to get our bodies back in shape or our marriage back to harmony; our jobs back to rewarding. And our self-esteem back at all!

       And with all my love and understanding of new moms I can’t fathom any place but the hospital for me to leave my sweat and tears and many other bodily fluids coming out of me and my baby. Leaving it in someone else’s home is just plain gross and irresponsible. And a biohazard.

     

Internet - the oasis of quotes! 

 I visited my friend the other day giving her a hug after her exciting time abroad. And as we chatted and laughed I casually disappeared to the kitchen and silently opened her freezer. I scanned the few boxes - some packages of edamame and a frozen yoghurt desert. Phew, no umbilical cord stored -- they dodged the hospital, but what about the cord blood banking? It’s now up to Bella*, her poodle to check the backyard for anything else.

       You see, that old lady Jun - my last horrible tenant - was a hoarder. As seen on TV. The worst find during the clean-up after a long-fought eviction: fish insides, guts and intestines, bagless in the fridge and freezer. Although we had to replace the fridge I was so relieved the bloody fragments actually belonged to a fish. It could've been worse. That fall as we prepared to plant bulbs in the flower beds, we discovered that Jun buried about 3 dozen fish heads. The rotting smell scarred me for life. Gave up gardening - forever. 

But still better than finding Rosemary’s placenta stashed somewhere! 

       *not her real name 

Lean In Ladies! Actually... no, not so much?

What does a rainy Sunday at the end of May spell?  Binge-watching reality TV!  Blessing for my children - it's for you too! In my defence, earlier this morning I cooked some seriously savoury organic home-grown stuffed peppers and experimented for the first time with my husband’s favourite Middle-Eastern treat “Mahalabia” with a perfect result!   So, darlings, judge me all you want, but I sank onto my sofa in the afternoon to watch the finale of MasterChef Canada Season 2 one more time. And as a refresher, a few of the previous episodes. OK, I admit it -  I binge-watched people cook for about 5 hours! To explain further, this has been an emotional season.  "Serbian" stuffed peppers After all, my sister - our family’s own kitchen maven - was a contestant herself! One day, for a few hours our family and friends and colleagues were guests on the set as she cooked for that coveted white apron. Star-struck by the familiar surroundings, the young producers running around with clip-boards, the cool camera crew following us around - never mind the three famous judges - this was a fun and unforgettable escape from my regular career of mostly serious, medical stuff. Seriously sinful: Mahalabia No surprise, the flourless chocolate cake, the staple of our many family celebrations won the palates of two out of three judges. White apron was awarded with our whole family sharing that moment, crowding the TV-kitchen space. Lights, Camera, Appetite, Adrenaline, Action!  It took me a solid hour to tame my disappointment after the very first episode finally aired in early February. After reaching the top 25 home chefs, my sister was asked to surrender her white apron. 16 others moved into the cooking Coliseum, an insanely-equipped stainless-steel kitchen. My bitterness was somewhat soothed by the knowledge that, for our family, food is a thing of pure love - a meditation over the stovetop rather than a competitive sport. But it was easy for me to continue being glued to the TV -  feeling a pang of hunger - every Sunday at 7:00 PM because of two other amazingly talented and strong home chefs, Line and Tammy, who knew how to cook, decorate, cooperate and compete while clearly becoming good friends along the way. And when Tammy - the incredible hunter-gatherer mother of six - was sent home mid-way through the competition, this mature female friendship made me root even harder for Line, a military veteran French-Canadian power mom, who single-handedly raised her daughters. Battling poverty yet learning the daring art of “chi-chi-foo-foo” cooking! As a former single mother I nodded to myself: “Whoa! Line it is!” The cooking show ended two weeks ago, together with a myriad of other reality shows, designed to catch our attention, our likes and re-tweets in the winter-to-spring timeline. Reality TV fame evaporates faster than alcohol in a flambé, right? So why talk about the #MCC Season Finale now? For someone who is a volunteer life coach dedicated solely to assisting women in transition, the social media thread linked to a nation-wide opinion of who deserved to win MasterChef Canada Season 2 served as an incredible case-study. And amazingly enough - the comments are still coming in. Facebook seems to greatly extend the life of the show! Here is an observation: When a man cooks well (even though a major error was made deeming those sweetbreads impossible to serve at a fine-dining restaurant) other men are: "Whoa! Dude! Make the west coast proud! Go Dave Go!" They even call him “bro”. Not a single word of criticism, let alone an offensive word. Nice. I took the past two weeks to diligently comb through the MasterChef Canada’s Facebook page and capture an opposing phenomenon.  When a woman cooks well - (although she served the steak rare rather than medium rare) it is the other women who are the ones to comment the most. And although there are certainly those who offer praise and encouragement, there is an  o v e r w h e l m i n g  number of women whose comments are derogatory, dumb in their menace yet intending to hurt. The range and ravage go from commenting on finalist’s Line’s strategy, to assaulting her looks, to hating her voice, to judging her personality.  Sad. Actually - suffocatingly sad.  In this mid-second decade of the 21st century women still have a lot to conquer and overcome: Equal pay. Rape culture. And in many places, the right to end pregnancy. The right to love another woman. Cat-calling. Fair employment opportunities and career advancement. Learning to Lean In is no small task. With these we are only touching on our first world problems. What about Malala Yousafzai’s battle for girls’ right to education? Or the Nigerian girls being abducted by Boko Haram - some of whom are forced to wed, while others are raped and killed or forcibly used as suicide bombers? We are talking Canadian women watching a Canadian cooking reality show, choosing to spend their on-line minutes to harass and bring the fellow woman down as hurtfully as they can. What is it that makes women who live in one of the safest and most prosperous countries in the world want to pour malice onto a TV-show contestant?  How does one know that what you see is not just a well-planned scenario (did someone say alternate ending?) of a savvy TV show producer who calculated: “In this corner a blue-collar dad who must provide better for his family”… “In this corner an ex-military single mom in high heels”. Let the kitchen gladiators take their knives out! The Truman show. Clearly, it works, because we all watched. And cheered. And some of us even pimped up their kitchen skills due to the show, gaining some unnecessary gourmet pounds along the way.  But, fellow woman, yes you who shamelessly (your first and last name fully displayed) took jabs at one of our own after her incredible kitchen stamina and success - are you done now? Did this virtual stoning make you feel better? Taller? More accomplished? Do you feel safer in your own world now that you slung hurtful words and insults at a woman you don’t even know? Let me tell you a secret - I don’t know Line either!  But I have learned that there is nothing like cooperation if not the camaraderie of mature women who can empower, support and change the world. One kitchen, one classroom, one boardroom, one stage at the time. As a life coach, I want you to feel the sweet and powerful ambrosia of that amazing bond. It will do you so much good - give it a try!  Where to start?  I’m a pharmacist and a kitchen enthusiast - so here is the Rx or a simple 5-step recipe on how to move on from this bitter unfortunate phase to a graceful and more the real you life. (those comments on Facebook - that can’t be the real you! I refuse to believe that!).  Here we go:  Step 1 - Cleanse. Pledge not to eat fast food or drink pop or munch cheezies for the next 2 weeks. Not kidding. I don’t care if the pop is diet or made with splenda - it’s equally poisonous. Water with lemon and real food for 2 weeks, darling!  Step 2 - Forgive. Your mother or step-mother or a mean aunt or a bitchy neighbour or that cruel nun who beat you with a stick in school. Forgive whoever it is who convinced you that women are no good. You might have been wronged at an early age. Seek help. And trust you can heal.  Step 3 - Cook. Tie an apron on, get some fresh organic ingredients, blast your favourite music and cook your heart out. Use the best food. Bring out the fancy plates saved only for special occasions. Feed your family. Feed your friends. Feed a stranger. Today. Feel the joy that accompanies whole food and whole life.  Step 4 - Watch Season 2 again. Find something you appreciate in every contestant you ever bitched about, focusing on women. Stay on task. Don’t go drooling over the handsome crooner again, the one who branded himself the sexy-food chef. If you want to support him, buy his music. Remember why you are here. To learn to be kind to women. Yourself first. Watch, breathe and repeat after me: It’s only TV. Breathe. It’s only TV. Breathe.  Step 5 - Remember that one woman in your life - there must have been one - who stood out for you as someone strong. Or brave. Or wise. Or selfless. Or capable. Or kind. Or all of the above. Go talk to her. Call her and tell her how meaningful she is to you. And why. Send her a letter. Or write it all in a journal tonight if she happens to be in another realm. But take the time to recognize and honour the sacred feminine. It is your birthright. For your own sake. And your daughter’s sake. And your son’s sake. And the world’s sake. Now take a minute to realize that the person you have been slandering all along is that woman for someone else. For me, that was my mother’s friend Sonja*. I observed her become a kick-ass engineer and then a bride (little girls remember beautiful brides!), compete and win in the men’s professional world, start her family. Then experience real hardships - divorce, life-threatening illness of a child, civil war. Through it all she stayed strong and focused and wise. You know what else I remember her doing? She would often call or come talk to my mom, who was over 15 years her senior, to harvest energy and kindness and a sense of support and relief and hope. All these decades later, that friendship still lasts.  And when I had my own hardships to deal with, I looked for Sonja, 15+ years my senior. What I got from her was gold. Relief. Timeless wisdom. And two years ago, during my brief time in Belgrade, I knocked on her door. And hugged her. And told her how much strength I had received from her courage. Sharing that was one of the best feelings I have ever experienced.  I want that feeling for you. That’s all. Because being gracious tastes so good. Just like Line’s crème brûlée. A few days ago, I ran into the MasterChef Season 1 finalist Marida Mohammed - where else than in the best roti place of the Greater Toronto Area! She was having lunch with her twin sister Narida and their very lucky and proud mother. I can’t say what struck me more - how warm and welcoming they were when I approached recognizing them or how passionate and personable their suggestions on what should I taste first from the restaurant’s incredible menu. How poised yet pumped when talking about the launch of their Twice de Spice adventures-in-food company! Palachinka (Serbian for crepes) So I decided to watch the finale of Season 1 of MasterChef Canada again. Got hungry again. Got angry again - Marida didn’t win (nothing against the young Eric Chong but I favourited Marida’s spice art quite a bit more throughout the whole season). But anger doesn’t feel good so I looked for a way out. My signature thin crepes with blueberries and crushed candied pecans. Phew - it worked!  Then I remembered. It’s only TV. A producer sitting down and action-planning the business of the first 3 seasons of the Canadian franchise of the show. What will rake up the ratings? Attract the advertisers? Where will the top 8 home chefs cook in Season 3? Aprile’s Origin North and Bonacini’s Canoe have already done their turn.  But of course: “Silly me - I now see - R&D**- it’s only TV!” * her real name, XOXO! ** read the reviews then tried for myself - R for robbed, D for disappointed!

Since I met you baby...

A King died last Thursday night. Not just any king. B.B. King. He was 89.

That same morning in Belgrade, Duda - a decade younger than him, my favourite "komšinica" [kom-she-nee-tza] - neighbour, also died. How extraordinary!? There are no mistakes in the universe!

B.B. King came to Belgrade to do a concert on July 6, the summer I grew up.

B.B. King in Belgrade - 1991

The then-still-glamorous Sava Centre Concert Hall was completely full. Four thousand people came out night after balmy night to enjoy Belgrade's Summertime Jazz & Blues & World Music Festival. Luckily, my boyfriend and I had tickets for every single performance – he being the son of the conductor of Belgrade's Jazz Orchestra. They were really good seats - right in the middle of the hall.

Half-way through one of the most memorable jazz experiences of my life, B.B.King started jamming the opening notes to his famous:  "Since I Met You Baby".  Suddenly he stopped, and flashing his mischievous smile at the audience, said he would play, but he "wanna see some kissin' goin' on"! Who else could create a small-club atmosphere from a giant auditorium other than B.B.?!  He started playing, lazily caressing his guitar, but significantly slowing the beat from its original version: “Since I met you baby, my whole life has changed...”  he mused. As the next instrumental kicked in, he announced: "Let’s see if there is any kissing going on - bring up the lights!"

Two powerful beams began their crawl from the far left and right ends of the concert hall. My boyfriend and I were sitting in the very middle of the room and we quickly understood that the lights would inevitably cross over each other right on us.

"We should totally get up and French kiss when the lights get here - you game?" - he whispered in my ear excitedly. Adrenaline was rushing and my heart was beating wildly, but I shoved my normally-shy self aside and took the plunge:

"Let's do it" - I agreed, falling in love - that very second - even more deeply.

The mighty lights arrived a second later and we got up right as they crossed over, giving B.B. King what he asked for. The deafening roar of the audience was followed by a loud applause. B.B. let his guitar hang as he lifted both arms in the air, sending us a giant kiss and then bowing in our direction:

"That's how you do it! This lady knows how to kiss!”

Although Radio Television Belgrade aired the concert just about a million times and I had it taped on VHS, the clip didn't make it with us as we immigrated over the Atlantic ocean. And although YouTube generously provides the slow and lazy version for your pleasure, it is not the one from Belgrade. Not the one with my most famous kiss.

The doorbell rang furiously and the front door of my parent's Belgrade apartment swung wide open just as I was watching again that taped clip. It was January 30th, 1996. I was holding my newborn son. Komšinica Duda -- our neighbour from two floors above, stormed into our living room, pale-faced, curlers dangling, asking questions. "Is it true?!!!"

My mom appeared, smiling and in an amazingly calm voice confirmed that yes, that boyfriend - turned husband - the one I kissed at the B.B.King concert 4.5 years earlier – had indeed left me, ten days prior to the birth of our son. No, we don't know "now what?“. But all is well. All is perfect. The baby is perfect.

"Ma nek se goni u pičku materinu!" - Duda hissed passionately, cursing him then and again every single time his name came up in the next three years that we lived in Belgrade. No, I will not translate it. It is one of those common-place obscenities my non-Balkan friends can not begin to understand. It kind of has to do with sending him, rushing him rather, back into his mother's vagina. There. I said it. The underlying meaning is absolutely untranslatable.

But it did bring relief. So did the endless supply of platters filled with the most delicious hand-made baked goods and decadent cakes - intended to soothe and comfort the new nursing mom. Love on a plate. My favourite treat of all of Duda’s masterful creations: "Muška Torta". Masculine cake. How appropriate!

What also brought relief was listening to B.B.King and yes, watching and watching again that three

Photo credit Kamenko Pajic

minute clip of my past life. I saw two kids in love, who mere days after that concert witnessed the beginning of the Balkan War, the "voluntary" gathering of the special parachute brigade he belonged to and the not-so-voluntary deportation straight into the war in Slovenia. The 21-year-old us trembling in front of those same front doors of my parents’ apartment facing real fear for the first time, consoling each other, making promises, kissing goodbye. And at the same time, together and very rapidly, growing up.

"Since I met you baby my whole life has changed" became my soothing hymn. Sure, since I met you baby, my whole life has changed. For the better. Then for the worse. Then for the much, much better.

I last saw Duda just about two years ago. It was my first and only brief visit back to Belgrade.

Neighbours are family

I will always remember it as the fireworks of love - me approaching the entrance of Blagajska 10 street, pressing almost every button on the intercom, surprising my darling neighbours telling them all to come down. Screams, cheerful shouts, hugs, kisses, holding hands long and hard with the people who were not my family but became family. Fellow tenants who saw me grow up, get the school done, get married, get pregnant, then come back home with the little bundle in tow. Looking now at the pictures of a grown man they helped me raise those three first fragile years. The enormous amount of love made me humble and speechless and I choke up with tears even now. I now fully understand the concept of "Love thy neighbour".

There is a crazy good jam session going on in heaven right now. Sachmo and Ella and Miles and Etta and countless others gathered around microphones and with guitars and trumpets. And Duda is there wearing a fancy silk dress - her slender figure swaying to the beat, red lipstick and hair all done up - she is beautiful and free of all of her earthly worries. Boy, those curlers did a great job!